This question was posed to me last week and I thought today would be a great time to address it:
I’ve always thought that porn offers a “perfect” solution to our lust problems as both men and women.For men, we get to lust after the objects of our lustful desire and there’s plenty of it. For women, they get to be lusted after which is the object of their lustful desire and there are plenty of men to lust after them. So, it works out very well for both. As a woman who has turned to porn in the past, you obviously had a reason for it. You mentioned here that it is generally for intimacy for women. I can understand how being the object of men’s lust could fulfill that desire. But, you’ve also talked about enjoying looking at porn as well (not just being the object). That’s the part that I would be interested in understanding better. How do women (in general) feel intimacy by viewing porn? Maybe men also experience it to some degree. I remember feeling kind of “close” to those I was viewing–like virtual girlfriends or something. Is that the same?
I don’t think for women it’s all about getting lusted after. I never viewed porn because I thought the guys on the screen were lusting after me-I had enough of those guys to deal with in real life. I watched it because I would allow myself to get emotionally involved with the fake intimacy that was being acted out on the screen and for those few minutes or hours, I experienced intimacy. I could have been watching two women, two men, a man and a woman, a group.
Porn is selling a fake intimacy and people are buying it.
That’s true for men and women. It’s easier for a feeler to be emotionally involved because they don’t have as much control over when their emotions are evoked, whereas for myself as a thinker, I allowed myself to feel and to interact emotionally with pornography and not with the world around me. But it wasn’t just an emotional connection because you cannot separate the emotional and physical aspects of our sexuality. That is why I would get turned on by porn (just like any man) and why masturbation played a role in my addiction as well.
All human beings, both male and female, are emotional and physical beings.
But not all women are the same, just as all men are not the same. What he described as having a “virtual girlfriend” I’m sure some females feel about male porn stars. Or maybe some women have “virtual girlfriends.” Whatever the case, this is also a way that individuals can feel emotionally attached to pornography and truly feel for the moment that they are experiencing intimacy.
For me, this intimacy was something I was lacking from my relationships and something that I craved. Porn found me and it seemed to fill this intimacy hole. It felt good, emotionally and physically, but that good feeling doesn’t last long after you close the browser window. A fake is never as good as the real thing.
——————–
If you are a woman who has struggled or does struggle with porn, how would you respond to this question?
For you guys out there, do you recognize how porn affects you emotionally?
Simply Sex(uality) 
It’s interesting. As a “feeler” I’ve often used pornography and masturbation to stop my feelings, as a way to numb myself. I need the detached, numb feeling it gives. I don’t so much want to intimacy. I rather like the distant nature of it, the idea of getting in and getting out, no strings attached. It’s an escape into a realm of numbness and no real connection when real connection seem too real, to overwhelming, or too hurtful.
Yes! Thank you for adding this perspective. Porn can absolutely be used as a coping mechanism to numb yourself to emotional pain or avoid the messiness of the “real” world. I think that probably applies to both males and females.
Porn got me stuck in a familiar cycle in terms of emotions. Watch the porn, feel good. Afterwards, feel terrible, guilty, deplorable. Hide the deed, wallow in shame and misery, return to porn to feel good again. Rinse and repeat.
Yup, that is the all too familiar cycle. Would you say that a desire for intimacy, for physical pleasure, or use as a coping mechanism was the initial draw? Thanks for sharing!
Well, I’m a dude, so the initial draw was “Hey, look, nudity!” Definitely physical. Feeling trapped came afterwards.
Physical urge is a natural instinct similar to hunger/thirst. The difference lies in the fact that one can’t satisfy hunger by seeing at others having food. However, one has to satisfy physical urge imaginatively or illusively by looking at others’ indulging act as it demands participation of a second human being which mightn’t be available at times, whatever the reason (socialized,civilized, orthodoxness blah blah…) may be. This same logical interpretation will provide enough reasons behind existence of two contrastive aspects of modern civilization: Poverty and Pornography. Bingo !
By the way, I just loved this blog.
Welcome to the blog and thanks for your comment! A wonderful addition to the conversation. While some people are asexual and do not experience these desires, the majority of people are not and do have a “sexual appetite,” if you will. I don’t know that I like the word “appetite” as it implies that our sexual desires should result in our consuming something (or someone), but I digress. That is another conversation 🙂 Looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts.