Random Thought Thursdays

RTTs: Lights On/Lights Off

Clap on! Clap off!

Clap on! Clap off!

Who knows if this was actually a well done study, but for this moment that is quite besides the point! For as long as I can remember I’ve seen questions about and read people’s opinions on this topic.

Do you like the lights on or off during sex?

This always makes me wonder if turning off the light is a manifestation of the shame people feel towards their bodies and an attempt to not make sex as vulnerable an act as it truly is. Some people say that having sex, or even more specifically, being naked in front of someone, is the most vulnerable thing one can experience.

Just thinking about it scares me. I will be the first to admit I would prefer to start an erotic sexual relationship with the lights off! If anyone knows how flawed I am, I do, and in having sex with someone I’m not only exposing myself, but inviting that other human being to look at me. To look at the mess that is me.

It sounds like the best idea ever and the worst idea ever at the same time! On the one hand, I would love to have the type of relationship with someone that allows that type of vulnerability without judgement, without condemnation, without fear, without shame. But on the other hand, I am so skeptical that it actually exists. Can this actually be achieved?

But the good news is that God designed sex to be this way! He knows that we, as humans, don’t like to be vulnerable. We like to hide our flaws. We like to show others our strengths. But a marriage relationship demands vulnerability on all levels- spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical. And God designed it so that you would only have to be this vulnerable with one other person. It’s a spectacular and beautiful thing!

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10 thoughts on “RTTs: Lights On/Lights Off

  1. I don’t think my husband and I have ever had the lights off….too much information? 🙂 But that kind of vulnerability in a relationship is definitely possible. God is good!

    • Absolutely not! I love your openness and honesty 🙂 Thank you from a single woman! It’s great encouragement to know that this type of relationship is possible. Is there anything you can think of that allowed that to happen? Or was it not something that really crossed your mind?

      • I know a lot of Christians will tell you not to talk about sex before you get married, but if you are planning on marrying someone, I think you should talk about it as much as possible before you actually have sex with that person. You get to know what the other is comfortable with and both of us just thought it would be more difficult to figure things out with the lights off. 🙂

      • Oh, that just sounds like the worst advice ever! But meant with good intentions, I’m sure. And point well taken about trying to figure stuff out with the lights off haha That would potentially make things a bit more challenging!

  2. I’m with you for some part, I hear you words and recognize them partially the way my wife can respond. Although we can’t divide the body from our personalities, isn’t the shame part more related to our personality then to our bodies? [I’m ware of the fact that I am an man – but I do not like the stereotypes!] As C.S. Lewis says “Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities.” To me it’s much harder to be vulnerable, weak and realy open my heart and let someone ‘see into me’.
    You’re question: can vulnerability be achieved without shame, fear and condemnation… requires, I guess, for you more then a simple yes – given the background of your testimony. There is true hope!Beauty can arise in the midst of brokeness (it’s my own story), whether sexual, emotional or physical brokeness.

    • I think that a lot of shame in someone’s life can come from what they’ve been taught about their bodies. So for women (generally) we’ve been taught that our bodies are temptations to men or we’ve been fed lies about the way we need to look physically. A lot of shame can come from both of those areas. I think men are also fed lies about their bodies and sexual desires that create shame in them. That can look like society depicting men (generally) as sexual animals and horny all the time as well as the images they’re given of what their physique should be. I love your reminder that there is true hope! Yes! It is always good to be reminded of that truth. Also, I totally resonate with beauty arising in the midst of brokenness. I believe those are time when God is truly glorified because there wasn’t anything that a human in his/her own power could have done.

  3. Hi Sydney, it would have been better had i asked you a question on the shame issue! Sorry for that and jumping in to quickly. I do fully understand what you say. In a lot of evangelical/ orthodox circles we have made the very bad mistake to equate the flesh with the body! And to make it even worser, we haven’t – in generally – not understood that there the flesh and the flesh (i.e. even within the flesh there is a distinction between our fallen nature and the flesh). We have loaded and almost burried ourselves with guilt and shame whereas the shame factor is the worst imprisoner.
    What you say about the bodies on temptation is so true. I’ve been asked to read Moral Revolution by Kriss Vallatton where precisely the whole animal picture is portrayed. In a plea for holiness & virginity most of the boys are being displayed as horney suckers [they don’t honor girls only their sexdrive] and most of the girls as sluts. So the modest boundaries are set very easily [of course only for girls] no short skirts etc.
    So the only message I give my 14 year old son is that he is a horney sucker? What a shame!

    • What a shame indeed! I’m glad that you as a parent recognize this and are not feeding your son these lies. Too often I think we simplify the complex thing that is our sexuality and it really only serves to hurt us. Our sexuality is messy, but good and we need to realize that!

    • You’re comment made me laugh! I suppose I do sometimes delve into things that aren’t the most talked about in everyday conversations. Thanks for the REALITY award! I will pass it along tomorrow 🙂

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